I am accustomed to conveying subtle, delicate, and deeply personal emotions through minute imagery. This habit has kept me in a long-term state of trying to judge major, critical matters through the lens of trivial details. Of course, at times, this habit allows me to quickly grasp the state of things, but unfortunately, it did not serve me well this year. My emotions and my life were hijacked by those details, ultimately leading me into my current predicament.
About two or three years ago, I wanted to build my own NAS. At first, I was just hoping to win one at the company annual party; when that failed, I hand-rolled a “side router” with a hard drive, and finally, I just bought a ready-made NAS. I updated the firmware stably at the end of every month, and so, this year passed by in the span of 12 firmware updates. The monthly upgrade notifications served better than a calendar, kindly reminding me: another month has passed, and you are still marking time in the same place.
This month, while having dinner with friends from my ex ex ex company, I gained some insight when discussing why my state had been so poor. For the past year or so, I have been fumbling along this path alone with Gemini. I unilaterally extracted knowledge from monographs and papers in this field, but I lacked any feedback from humans or the professional sphere. This meant I could never be certain if I was on the right path. It wasn’t until last month, after sending out cold emails to several professors and receiving some polite and sincere replies, but also some slightly perfunctory replies, that I finally received recognition from a professor at UMass, as well as an opportunity for an informal meeting with a professor at one of my dream schools. I seem to have confirmed that the direction I am attempting to research actually holds potential, and is not just the “ultimate version answer” found in Gemini’s people-pleasing responses.
Regardless, as the end of the year arrives, there are still several key nodes to revisit in this year.
April: During a writing exercise, I nearly smashed my keyboard because I couldn’t fluidly or proficiently type the word “significantly.” I finally realized that my mental state might need help, so I saw a psychiatrist and began using medication to improve it. This was a crucial turning point for me because, in that moment, I realized that humans are, to a large extent, animals controlled by hormones. That stubbornness, impulsiveness, and meritocracy suddenly seemed understandable. My epiphany allowed me to better accept myself, and better observe “me” and my interactions with this world.
June: After many years, I went to a concert again. I traveled alone to Shantou to watch, or rather, experience, Sandy Lam, at the age of 59, bringing her career to a peak once again. I also relived the emotion of listening to “At Least I Still Have You” on a tiny MP3 player in an 8-person dorm room 18 years ago. In 90s Hong Kong, she was the tragic woman penned by Jonathan Lee, the miserable figure singing “Belong to Me” in Les Misérables. In the 2010s, she focused on ecology and the relationship between humanity and the earth, reshaping her artistic persona through rock, psychedelic, and religious musical styles. And now, at 59, on that massive floating stage, she shouted: “Since the unknown is the only expectation, might as well split the mundane into firewood. Reset, reset.”
September: After going through 8 major versions and countless minor revisions, I finally refined the research direction I had decided on years ago into my Statement of Purpose. For so many years, I have been endlessly exploring and asking the question that has always plagued me: How did the development of China’s information technology and its industry emerge, and how has it shaped the present? I even worked in the IT industry for several years, personally participating in and observing its rich interactions with Chinese society. By September of this year, I finally stepped up to a new level.
November: As the deadlines for all school applications approached, I completed applications for a total of 8 schools. Of course, considering the funding troubles of current US universities and the complex changes in US-China relations, the probability of these applications is trending toward zero. I finally submitted all the application materials amidst a year-long torment. However, after the deadline, I made another major update to my Statement of Purpose, but by this time, I was able to treat this imperfection and regret with a much lighter heart.
Early December: Although I can usually write quite decent articles, in the TOEFL exam room, I consistently failed to get a satisfactory score on the Speaking and Writing sections, subjects that are highly subjective. I even encountered a situation where an essay I thought I had written like a complete mess received my Best Score, while an exam where I thought I performed exceptionally well only received a barely passing grade. Finally, I stumbled across the finish line with a score just over 100 to submit to the schools.
Late December: My balcony agriculture finally welcomed a bumper harvest with medication discontinuance. After two consecutive years of failure, I finally grew tomatoes on my balcony with high yields and excellent flavor. The tomato planting failures of the past two years were due to the same reason as all my past failures: being specious and perfunctory. Agriculture is not the corporate world that I experienced; if you try to fool it, it really won’t bear fruit. At first, I took it for granted that tomatoes needed to be planted in summer, so Shenzhen’s scorching 104℉ sun prevented the fruit from setting. Then, I followed my mother’s experience, a professional agricultural master, but one from the North, and nothing grew at all. Finally, early this year, after sorting out the variety, temperature, and accumulated temperature, the plants set fruit smoothly. But because of my indecision and failure to make up my mind to prune (pinch off side shoots), two huge side branches caused the main tomato stem to split right down the middle. But this autumn planting season finally brought me fruition.
In a season when the North is already in deep winter, I stood on the balcony of the 39th floor wearing only a thin shirt, tasting flavorful tomatoes while basking in the sun. Looking at these tomatoes hanging heavy on the branches, I hope that this year’s applications will likewise yield fruit.
But if not, that is fine too. I have already seen the darkness of the night.